“Tinder Loving Care”

(An excerpt from the Transcript of Episode 13: “How Do You Spell Quinoa?”--originally aired August 3, 2016) 

http://www.buzzsprout.com/60461/407432-how-do-you-spell-quinoa.mp3

Well, hello guys and welcome back to Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast! I’m Doc, and you must know that, or you wouldn’t be here. 

So guys, I may have mentioned to you before that, now that I am officially divorced, and I have a thumbs-up from my children, I’ve slowly but surely begun to look into the world of dating in 2016. And, guys,… Look, I grew up in the 1980s. And I wasn’t that great at dating in the 1980s. But I did understand that if you liked someone, you found a way to let her know. And you typically did that with words. Sometimes with gestures. Never emoticons. Text messaging didn’t exist. 

You actually would go up to her and have a realtime conversation. Or you’d exchange telephone numbers and you’d do a lot of this on the telephone. Gosh, I can remember back in the day, actually talking on the phone for hours upon hours upon hours at the beginning of a relationship. And then negotiating about who was going to be the one to terminate the call. “No YOU hang up.” “No YOU hang up.” “No YOU hang up.” “No YOU hang up.” And nobody would ever hang up. You’d both laugh about that. And that would become your inside joke because of course you believed you were the only people in the world who had ever done that! 

I don’t get how relationships become interpersonal in 2016. I’ve swiped right, and I’ve swiped left. I’ve matched. I don’t know what the heck they’re thinking when they match with me, but I have matched. And the women who are matching with me appear to be mentally healthy, certainly attractive, they tend to be on the educated side of things. I’m assuming, based on that, that they’re not stupid or crazy. But they match with me. Maybe they can’t tell from my profile and my photograph that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. Because once we match, apparently the convention is I am to send the first message. Well, bear in mind, we’re not together in real time. We haven’t actually had a shared experience, other than swiping left and swiping right and seeing each other’s four or five pictures that are posted. 

So… what do you say? “Hey. How are you?” I send that out, and hope against hope that it’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship. What does she say back? “Fine thanks. How are you?” Or words to that effect. 

So then I go with “So, what are you up to?” thinking that’s the beginning of a conversation. We’re actually going to talk. We’re going to enjoy each other’s company. She’ll get to see my humor. She’ll get to hear my irony. My sarcasm. My sardonic side. No. What she answers back is. “Not much.” Full stop. Not even an invitation for me to continue the conversation. So… I then am at a loss. 

Guys, if this had only happened one time, I would just chalk that up to experience and move on down the road. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to say when she ends full stop after saying “not much.” I’ve greeted you. I’ve asked “how’s it going?” I’ve asked you what you’re doing. And, so far, other than to answer my questions, you have not engaged me at all. What am I supposed to do with that? Part of me wants to scream, “Wait a minute. I picked you, but you picked me too! What were you thinking? What was your thought process there?” If I understood that, it would make more sense. Is it, guys, that women in 2016 have no idea how to have a conversation? I know I have women listeners out there. I know somebody’s going to give me the hardest of times for asking that question that way. I don’t even care. I just wanna know. How am I supposed to start these conversations? What are you women expecting to hear from me after we’ve matched? I swiped right on you. You swiped right on me. That scenario at least presumes that there’s a mutual interest. And yet I have no idea how to take it past that point. 

Now, guys, just so you know, I am a little bit shy. But I’m not “hide behind the bushes” shy. I once was. Not anymore. I can have a conversation. I can even tell a woman I’m interested. As long as I can use words. And voice. And tone of voice. And facial expressions. But this whole “doing everything by text”… “doing none of it in realtime”… “doing none of it over the telephone”… You’re using the telephone, but you’re using it as a computer. You’re not using it as a telephone. I don’t… I don’t know what to do with that. Somebody help me. Soon. Please. We’ll be right back…

I had six weeks this summer. House all to myself. My kids were visiting their mom. I’m no longer married. Bear in mind this is the first summer that I’m not married to anybody or involved with anybody in 16, 17 years. And what did I do? My kids are coming back this weekend. What did I do with that time? Did I go on dates? Did I make new friends? Did I learn how to be youngish and single again? No. I worked. I talked to you guys once a week. And, other than that, not a whole heck of a lot got done I’m afraid. I don’t… I don’t know. What was I supposed to do? My best friend, a guy, tells me that I was supposed to have guest over. Maybe make some dinner for someone. Put the whole spread out there. Who knows? Maybe even work my way up to having an overnight guest. Because there’s no penalty for that if the kids aren’t here. I couldn’t get out of the gate. Again, not shy. Not afraid. Don’t lack for confidence. I’m not everybody’s cup of tea, but I’m a fairly handsome guy. I know that there are those women who think so. And men who think so. But couldn’t seem to pull the trigger on that. Now my kids are coming back. Now, to be fair, they go with their mom every other weekend. There is time every other weekend to pursue this thing called dating. What I don’t know is how to get out of the vicious cycle of matching and then forever messaging and saying nothing in particular. Anyone have any advice? I’m listening. Let’s take a break. 

Now, guys, I’m told that in 2016, the old notion of going on a date—in other words, I get all dressed up, I pick you up at your door, I walk you back to my car, we go to a restaurant, we go to a movie, I walk you back to your door, we stand on your porch and we talk, or we sit on your couch and we talk, maybe you kiss me goodnight and maybe you don’t, and I get back in a car, and I drive back to my house, or whatever happens after that—I am told that’s not what dating is anymore. What am I gonna do now? What the heck is it if that’s not what dating is anymore? I don’t know how to do this other stuff. Don’t get me wrong. I know how to do other stuff. I’m just not used to it. What do you think I mean when I ask you if you want to go out? Do you think I mean we meet someplace mutually convenient? That I have my drinks, you have your drinks. I have my dinner, you have your dinner. I settle my tab, you settle your tab. And then maybe we go someplace else that we both like? I have my ice cream, you have your ice cream. I settle my tab, you settle your tab. And then if we’re still having fun, we go back to your place or back to my place? Look, if that’s the way things are done, I’m not complaining. I’m 48, not 8. I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born a whole lot of yesterdays ago. If those are the rules, I guess I can play by those rules, but how do I even get to the point of asking you out? 

Now somebody out there is saying “well, duh. You just do.” But I can’t even get a conversation flowing on that little device well enough and long enough for us to get to that. I find that there is both a sense of urgency and a willingness to delay with everybody that I’m meeting. 

Now for the sake of clarity, the women on those services tend to skew younger. Don’t judge me, but I’m 48 years old. I’m honest about my age. If someone who’s 30 wants to go out on a date with me, or wants to match with me, or thinks I’m cute, or sees potential in me, I’m not allergic to a younger woman. Let me put it that way. Not necessarily aiming for that, but I like young just as much as I like less young. Let’s put it that way. 

What I don’t know is “what does a 30 year old expect from me?” What does she expect me to do? How does she expect me to handle myself? Is she weirded out if I pick up the tab? Is she weirded out if I volunteer to pick her up at her house? What does she expect after the date? What does she expect after the after the date”? I’m told there are no expectations unless expectations have been made plain. I don’t really know what that means. 

So am I supposed to call? No. Because I’m never supposed to call, because a 30-year-old woman doesn’t know that her smartphone is actually a phone. 

Am I supposed to text? I’m told I am, just not too often, and don’t be too heavy in my texting. What does that mean? I guess every now and then a “Hey. How are you?” and some sort of emoticon. That’s not very fulfilling. Ironically, I’m not looking for a long-term relationship. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want it. But I would enjoy having some dateable friends. Or friendable dates. Does that make sense? Again, don’t judge me. We’ll be right back.

I never thought I would be one of those guys who complained about the world moving too fast. I’m a fairly modern thinker. For goodness’ sake, I’m using digital media right this moment. I’m a fairly tech savvy guy. I work in a modern environment. I live in a house that was actually built this century. This millennium. I talk to my kids and spend a lot of time trying to understand what motivates them and what moves them. I talk to their friends. I have friends that are younger. But guys… alright, the world’s moving too fast. Are we out of the zone for courtship? Does anybody hold hands anymore? I don’t see holding hands anymore. I see mothers holding their sons’ hands. Fathers holding their daughters’ hands. I see people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s holding hands. I don’t see people younger than that really holding hands anymore. That’s a darned shame. Because I enjoy holding hands. I do.

When I was married, one of the things that made me feel like everything was alright and going to be alright for the foreseeable future was when we would voluntarily hold each other’s hand. I guess the irony was we weren’t going to be alright. And in the end, the future came to an end. But, for those moments. Holding her hand and having her hold mine back felt like everything was exactly in its place. It’s akin to the security I feel when I hold my kids’ hands walking down the street. I know exactly where they are. I know exactly how they feel. And I’m able to keep them safe and feel more secure myself, because I know exactly where they are and I’m able to keep them safe. 

If we’re not holding hands anymore, what’s going to happen to us? How do you connect without holding hands? It can’t just all be about sex. Is it? Because in a relationship that is meant to last forever, if that’s even a concept that we use anymore in 2016, sex is a very small percentage of that time. Forever is so long and sex is so short. You can’t be doing sex all the time. I know there are young people out there right now that are saying “oh man, you just don’t know.” Well, maybe I don’t. And maybe I don’t remember. I was young once too. But you can’t do sex all the time. So how do you feel connected when you have your clothes on and you’re around other people? How do you feel connected when big things are popping and everybody’s a little nervous? I’d love to have a millennial listener tell me. How does that happen? 

Don’t give up on me, guys. I’m gonna get used to this thing. You guys are gonna give me some advice. You’re gonna tell me exactly what it means when I swipe right. What does it mean when we match? What does it mean when I ask her how she’s doing and she gives me back one- and two-word answers and nothing more? What do we do since we’re not going to talk on the telephone? What do we do since we’re not going to spend that much time actually in each other’s presence? What do we do before the date? What do we do on the date? Who pays for the date? What do we do after the date? What do we do after the “after the date?” When is it okay to call, if ever? When is it okay to text? How much texting is too much? I’m listening, guys. Somebody’s gonna set me straight. Otherwise, I’m about to become that guy.

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