Word to the Wise from a Wiseacre

(script from Doctor Ackrite's Get It Together Podcast Episode 29, aired November 23, 2016)

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ANNCR: Today’s Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast is brought to you by Jams by Kim. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling for less than the best. We’re also sponsored by Checkup At Home Wellness Tests for Cats and for Dogs. Find out what could be bothering your pet in as little as 60 seconds. And we are brought to you today by Trophy Skin Personal Microdermabrasion. Go to www.trophyskin.com and take the free skin assessment and  Find your best skin. And we are also brought to you by Kamigami Robots. Build your robot, design your app. Tell them how to move. Kamigami Robots, a new toy by American toymaker Dash Robotics.

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HOST: On this episode of Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast, we’re going to talk about words. Why some are powerful, some are weak, and some just get overlooked, ignored, or heard in ways they were never intended to be. Why are we so confused and how we can stop the madness. We’re going to jump right in (beat) as soon as the light turns green.

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HOST: Hey guys. Hey there. How are you? I mean it guys, how are you today? I just realized that we talk literally every single week. Every Wednesday, and I never ask about you. I never ask about your day. I never ask about your job. I never ask about your relationship. So, how are you? You’re quiet today, guys. Is everything alright? Did you finally talk with your boss about that thing? Did you and your mom finally have it out about whose house for the holidays? Did that sales clerk take back the item you were worried about? See, guys. I do listen.  I am listening. I do care about you. And I know you care about me, right? That’s what makes us such a great team, guys, isn’t it? 

HOST: This might be the most stable relationship I’ve ever had, guys. Geez, these affirmations are getting a little out of hand, aren't they? Well, crazy is actually on my resume—in a couple of places—so let’s not act suddenly surprised by that. Been a little crazy for a little while now.  But you’re a little crazy too, right? I mean “good crazy.” You know? Don’t you love it when people redefine a negative word by adding “good” in front of it? Doesn’t that just take all the sting out of the otherwise insults they're hurling at you? For example, I’ve had people say “Oh, Doctor Ackrite, you’re stupid. But I mean good stupid.” I’m not so sure about good stupid. I think my preference would be not to be stupid at all. I’m certain that there must be some virtue in being “good stupid,” but I’m guessing that there’s less virtue in that than there is in being smart. Am I right? Okay, the live studio audience that isn’t in the studio is nodding. So that means I’m right, right? But am I good right? Now the fake audience is shaking it’s collective head. Okay. (beat) Maybe I am good stupid. 

HOST: Is that the same as “good and stupid?” Nope. That means something totally different. And even though the word “good” is in there, it means basically profoundly stupid. That’s a deeper, wider, more generous form of stupidity that is reserved for a select few. Thankfully, no one has ever called me “good and stupid”—to my face. I cannot say for sure that nobody’s ever thought it before. In fact, I’m quite sure someone has—for sure. So today guys, I thought we should talk about words. Let’s really talk about them. I can hear you groaning. That’s not nice. Don’t be like that. Okay, the reason I want to talk about words is because I’m convinced that they’re losing their meaning over time. You know what I mean when I say that? I mean that it seemed that once upon a time, when you would say something to someone, using very specific language, the other person would either take you at your literal word or check to see if you were joking, you know? But now, I think that people I speak to all seem to hear only about every fifth or sixth word. And that can be frustrating. I’m not entirely sure why that is, but it is truly painful sometimes. 

HOST: Because, guys, I don’t know if you’ve noticed—after listening to me for a literal 14 and a half hours straight—but I tend to be very precise in my speech. I tend to articulate each word pretty carefully, and I tend to concentrate on prose at least as much as I do message. Here’s a little bit why: I grew up the only son of a single mom who worked as a court reporter for the superior courts in our home county in Indiana. So she listened to people speak all day long and had to take their spoken words and turn them into written transcripts. Let’s just say that enough of those words were spoken just poorly enough, especially in criminal cases, that my mom decided from my earliest days that I would be articulate at all times. She would actually come up behind me while I would try talking in a more relaxed manner with my friends and she would correct me in front of them. After a while, I stopped compromising my language, even when she wasn’t around. I also was identified in grade school as a kid who could benefit from intensive speech therapy, so my mom put me in it. Hey, the therapists were usually quite young and very cute and I was a growing boy, so I didn’t fight the system. Darned if I didn’t get better with my problem. 

HOST: So there’s that. Then I went to a private high school where we had truly exceptional English teachers. Truly exceptional. I hated it in the moment, even as I was taking honors classes in English. It seemed so very uncool to me at the time. I just wanted to be cool and that wasn’t cool, you know?  But I secretly loved the novels and short stories we read and the essays and stories we wrote. I used to pretend not to have read the homework—not hard to believe because I rarely did all of my homework for other classes—and then I would proceed to answer the “embarrass the unprepared kid” questions flawlessly. Yeah, I was a weird kid. I can’t really explain it. But all of that focus on English, plus speech, debate, and other such courses and clubs, and the time I spent speaking, teaching, and singing at church gave me lots of practice on my diction and my ability to speak to others. Then there was college and the Marines—I was a journalist with a rifle—and grad school and law school, both places where one is taught to be specific, prepared, and articulate. So now it’s a disease that I have to manage, but will never completely cure. 

HOST: And my children are also very articulate people because I cannot stop myself from correcting bad grammar. Oh yeah, and because I love them.  Let’s take a break.

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ANNCR: You won’t go wrong sending Jams by Kim this holiday season, or taking them with you to Thanksgiving dinner! Who needs another bottle of wine? Want to be the hit of the party, suggest that Uncle Artemis spread some of Kim’s artisan-made Strawberry Habanero Jam on his hot crescent roll. He’ll love it so much, he’ll forget to ask why you and your boyfriend aren’t married yet. Jams by Kim has a lock on the most unique and amazing flavors and combinations you’ve ever heard. Pomegranate Orange, Lime Ginger, Tangerine Marmalade! Peach Habanero! Or even the blueberry or the strawberry will change your life for the better! The list goes on! Kim even has jams without sugar and vegan jams available, you know, if that’s your thing! My thing is Strawberry Habanero. www.jamsbykim.com. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.

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ANNCR: It’s holiday shopping time again already. Can you believe it? Got kids? Then you’d better have Kamigami Robots under your tree or somewhere in the house. Go to www.kamigamirobots.com and watch the videos. You’ll know right away why educators in Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics are going nuts for these little bugs. Why Kamigami Robots have won the Maker Faire editor’s choice six times, and why they’ve won the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval for being a great parent-child activity. My kids love them. Yours will to.  Kamigami Robots. Now shipping for the holidays. www.kamigamirobots.com. Go there right now and use coupon code DocSavage30 and you will save 30% off your purchase, guys. This offer is only available for shipments within the United States, but go to the website to see what other offers may be available in your country.

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HOST: So, guys, now that you know I’m a fussy little so-and-so, word nerd extraordinaire, far too sexy to use your dictionary—mine is much bigger than yours, thank you very much—you must be wondering what has sent me on a tear today. I am a firm believer that we need to agree on the language we speak and then speak it well, and then let’s all agree to the plain English meanings of words, shall we? Who's with me? Okay… Just a weirdly cute blondish lady and a goldfish. This is embarrassing. Oh yeah, and Cuba Gooding Junior. This is embarrassing. Show me the money? No? No one? Okay. If you don’t get that reference, you aren’t old enough to listen to my podcast. So go play and let the grownups talk a bit. Okay? Let’s take, for example, literally. How many times have I heard, in just this last week alone, the word literally being used in a way that is exactly the opposite of its intended use?  Gonna say 30-40, maybe more. But folks, literally means: “completely true and accurate, not exaggerated.” What could be simpler than that? Literally nothing. (beat) See what I did there? Seriously, I can’t think of too many concepts that take less time to master than this one. Either we are exaggerating, or we are not exaggerating. 

HOST: There is literally no ground between those two polar opposites. Yup, I did it again. And yet as simple as this concept is, people use and abuse this simple word every day and have no remorse. That makes me sad. And the fact that that makes me sad makes me seem sad to others. And that makes me sad too. But not literally. Now, guys, I would be the first to admit that misusing words like literally is a pet peeve, and I know that I am a salmon swimming against the rolling river whenever I rail against their misuse.  Not going to stop me, but I do get it. I am Sisyphus, pushing my grammatical boulder up a hill, never getting it all the way up there, but pushing it nonetheless. I know that nobody cares about literally being used metaphorically as much as nerdy me and my perhaps even more nerdy best friend. But what about other words that are misused routinely in our so-called modern society? For example, how often do we use the term “friend” to describe people that we know somewhat, but either don’t know well, or don’t particularly like? I’m not even sure that we mean to be insincere when we do it, but rather we lack the vocabulary to fully express what we actually mean. 

HOST: I once wrote to Facebook—a company that updates and upgrades its platform sometimes twice a week—and suggested that it create additional categories of connections. Why is it that everyone is a “friend?” Is that even possible? I have hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, according to the platform, but how many of them would come and bail me out of jail, let me borrow a few hundred until payday, or watch my kids while I go out on a date? I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing far fewer than hundreds and hundreds. You know? And while many of them may have been special to me at various points in my life, and quite a few are special to me now, I would be being dishonest if I didn’t confess that there are lots and lots that are people I either haven’t seen in real life in years, or that I’ve never actually met in real life—we just share similar views online and decided to become “friends.”  See the issue?  My actual friends and I have history, however shallow, during which we have established rapport, shared laughter and tears, encouraged each other. They tend to know my heart, even when I can’t put my feelings into words. I know. I know. When exactly is that, Doc? When do you ever have trouble putting anything into words? 

HOST: Believe it or not, it even happens to me. And, during those times, I’m grateful that my friends know what I’m thinking, or what I’m feeling, or what I’m trying to say. And they don’t judge me for those thoughts—no matter how sad, stupid, selfish, depressing, pessimistic, inappropriate, unenlightened, misinformed, or just downright daffy those thoughts may be. And they don’t judge me for my feelings—thank goodness. Now the people who are also on my list of Facebook friends I think are fond of me to a point. But I don’t expect the fullness of understanding and depth of feeling that come with true friendship. They probably don’t know how to take my jokes—and there are many, many jokes, guys. I’m thinking that you guys keep coming back because of the jokes. So you already know that, don't you? Some of my jokes require the context of my twisted sense of humor. That mainly comes from knowing me in realtime. So that word “friend” is important. Much more important than for it to be a generic label we apply to every single person we meet along the way—the way Facebook would have us to use it. I am actually, as we speak, teaching my younger children the true meaning of friendship. 

HOST: As it turns out, most kids that are their age—11—tend to think that the more friends you claim the more popular you are and the more popular you are, the more influence you have in the world. They also equate large numbers of friends with being truly happy. But guys, my kids are weird. All of them. And how do I know they’re weird? Because I’m a quarter weird on my mother’s side. I think there was weirdness on my father’s side too, but that part I can’t confirm. He died without telling me. Weird, huh? (beat) So because my kids are weird—just like I am—they aren’t the sorts of kids who will do well trying to appeal to a cross-section of the world. They are super smart and creative to a fault. They don't suffer fools easily and they love old music and watching the news with me. Not really a recipe for having an entire herd of friends. But they each have their absolute besties. The friends that they have are, as we say, ride or die. By the way, their friends are weird too. Go figure. Let’s take a break.

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ANNCR: I don’t know which is worse: suffering through another holiday meal that largely came out of cans and the frozen food section of the local Food and Fly Grocery Mart, or feeling compelled to drop everything before I’ve had my fifth helping so I can try to get to the door busters before my ex-best-friend does. So this year, I’m saying no thank you to both, kind of. I’m doing my holiday shopping for everyone on www.jamsbykim.com. I’ll get Pomegranate Orange for Tammy, because she’s so sweet. And Lime Ginger for slightly weird cousin Stuey. And Strawberry Habanero for Mom—the salsa classes are really paying off, by the way. Jams by Kim ships all over the country and to any APO box abroad. Easy peasy. I may still have to eat Margaret’s mashed potato flake surprise, but at least I don’t have to leave the house early wearing my fat pants to get my shopping done. Jams by Kim: One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.

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HOST: Now, I know full well, guys, that some of you are clutching your pearls right now. You guys are probably going a little crazy. Am I right? "Did he really just call a bunch of kids, including his own, weird?!” Oh yes he did. Yes I did. In my household, we actually literally celebrate weirdness. I never wanted my children to be prototypical linear thinkers. The linear thinker sees A problem or situation in a straight line way. She imagines that the only solutions to any particular problem are the ones that would be obvious to anyone. In my humble estimation, the straight-line solution is the correct one 80% of the time. That leaves 20% of the time on the table.  Which means that the linear thinker is going to be wrong 20% of the time. That means that the world is largely comprised of B students.  Good, but not great. At the risk of sounding judgmental, I think the world suffers from a severe lack of creativity. I am a creative person before I am anything else. It was perhaps the greatest gift my mother ever gave me. It is the gift I am giving my children that means the most to me. When I grew up, my mom—a person who never worked fewer than 65 to 80 hours per week in her life—somehow found time to pursue hobbies. 

HOST: Her hobbies included knitting, crocheting, counted cross stitch, embroidery, sewing, fashion design, cooking, and cake decorating. I'm sure I have left something off of this list, but Mom was one of the most inventive persons I have ever known. She endowed me with the charge to be the unusual person you guys hear every week. Because of my mom's mentorship and guidance, I fell in love with art, literature, poetry, Music, Film, And every other creative pursuit to which I was exposed. Some of these things I actively practice; some of them I am an avid fan. Either way, exposure to nonlinear thought on a regular basis makes an impressionable person begin to think nonlinearly. It happened to me decades ago. And, as a carrier of the nonlinear disease, I could not help but to infect all three of my children. Now, because my children, all three of them, are nonlinear thinkers, I knew from personal experience that the conventional thinkers in the world would find them peculiar. I have endured those criticisms about me my entire life long. Maybe "criticisms" isn't the right word to use here. Because I have certainly received my share of accolades when I have solved problems or resolved situations in an unconventional way. 

HOST: But, more often than not, there is some resistance to my not doing it "the normal way”. I married a very linear thinker—to my detriment. I truly believe that my worldview as a nonlinear thinker was a huge contributing factor in my becoming divorced. In my anecdotal experience, because conventional thinkers typically lack imagination and creativity, they tend to be sticklers for so-called standard operating procedure. I don't. I do believe that rules were made to be followed.  But only to the extent that they make sense under the circumstances. Blindly following the rules without further thought will generally leave us all worse off.  By the way, many may think it’s funny that I chose the practice of law as my professional pursuit.  Fair enough. The practice of law involves the study, understanding and application of rules, laws, policies, procedures, directives, orders, and dictates. That wouldn’t seem to be the most appropriate choice for a guy who has just told you that he is not such a guy. But, guys, also understand that in addition to accepting and embracing these rules and laws, a tough, smart trial lawyer often has to challenge them and creatively interpret them for the good of his clients. That was what I did. 

HOST: And my manner would confound even the greatest of linear sticklers. Because they never really knew what to expect from me unless they, too, were creative thinkers--and few of them were. So I won a lot of cases and made lots of money, but wound up disliking my job—because, as it turns out, most judges are linear thinkers too. But anyway, I do call my beloved children and their beloved friends weird. Because weird, to us, means not ordinary. Now, please note: I do not call them or their behavior strange. Pippi Longstocking, Punky Brewster, and the PeeWee Herman character were weird. Hannibal Lecter, Jared the Sandwich Guy, and the guy who played PeeWee Herman were strange. There’s no danger connected with weird. There’s no virtue connected with strange. But you have to be careful in celebrating weirdness with your kids. A few years back, when my younger kids were in the third grade, I got called in by the principal of their school for a meeting. All I knew, in advance of the meeting, was that my daughter had called another kid a name. Our school was getting very hot on this anti-bullying stuff, so every incident counted. 

HOST: When I arrived at the meeting and learned that the name was actually an adjective (take that teachers!) and that the adjective was, of course, weird, I was relieved. After listening to the principal and the teacher explain to me what had apparently happened and express “shock” that a “good” kid like my daughter would say something so mean, I explained to them that to my kid, weird was high praise. That she had meant it as a compliment. They didn’t believe me, so they called my kid in and asked her themselves. When my version was confirmed, the principal tried telling her that she couldn't call another kid that because weird was a bad word, I told my kid, in front of the principal, that weird was, by no means, a bad word, but that school wasn’t going to allow it. So don’t use it at school to describe other kids. She said okay. I winked at her on her way out of the office because I wanted her to know that she hadn't actually done anything wrong. 

SFX: say what?

SFX: say what?

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ANNCR: You won’t go wrong sending Jams by Kim this holiday season, or taking them with you to Thanksgiving dinner! Jams by Kim has a lock on the most unique and amazing flavors and combinations you’ve ever heard. Pomegranate Orange, Lime Ginger, Tangerine Marmalade! Strawberry Habanero! Oh my GOSH! The list goes on! Kim even has jams without sugar and vegan jams available if that's your thing! My thing is Strawberry Habanero.  www.jamsbykim.com. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.

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HOST: Oh my goodness, what a great show today. I can’t believe we’ve talked our way through another half hour. But, whether I believe it or I don’t, it’s time to go. We want to thank our generous sponsors. Visit their websites and learn more about their products. I’ll put the links in the episode description as usual. These sponsors keep us talking, guys so let’s show them some love!: Thank you, Jams by Kim. Find your good taste at www.jamsbykim.com. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.

HOST: We also want to thank Trophy Skin. Discover your best skin by taking a free assessment at www.trophyskin.com. And many thanks to Checkup At Home Wellness Kits for Cats and for Dogs. Your pet can’t talk, so you need to be sure. Go to www.checkupkit.com for more information and to buy your kit today! Finally, thanks to Kamigami Robots. The very best toy gift for the future STEM superstar who happens to be your kid. Guys, I’ll be here next Wednesday, just like I always am. I know you’re busy this time of year, but you’d better make the time to be here too. You know if you're not, we’ll just be talking about you. I love you guys and I’m thankful for you everyday, especially at this time of the year. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families and your friends. And have an excellent week. Enjoy.

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What's My Problem? I'll tell you...

What's My Problem? I'll tell you...

(script from Episode 28, aired 11-16-16)

Music: no music. jams by kim ad Spot 10-1.

www.jamsbykim.com

HOST: Today’s Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast is brought to you by Jams by Kim. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling for less than the best.

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HOST: On this episode of Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast, let’s talk about hurt, sadness, rage, blame, and eventually healing. Totally appropriate at this particular point in time I think. Don’t worry, guys. This isn’t going to be my diatribe on politics, but instead will be my attempt to explain why so many Americans, and others around the world, are having such a hard time emotionally right now. Myself included.  This is going to be a particularly personal episode, so let’s get into it, guys. Right after this little piggy goes to market.

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HOST: Hey hey guys! Come on in! Hurry now. It’s really cold out there. I kind of hate to say it, but winter is coming, guys. It’s hiding there and waiting for us. As most of you know, I’m a fall baby. Born in the fall, in love with the fall. I am all about the slightly nippy air while the formerly green leaves suddenly explode into colors I had already forgotten were available in the world. Reds, yellows, oranges… yeah, I think you get the picture. I’m not really sure why it felt necessary to describe fall to you as if you’ve never seen it before. Well, but wait a minute, guys. We have a global audience now. We’re going out to more than 40 countries now, so there is totally a chance that someone out there has never seen fall they way I have. So, as I was saying… reds, yellows, oranges… Also, in our part of the country, we have white-tailed deer and this year, there seem to be more males, complete with the most amazing antlers I’ve ever seen. And they come right into my yard and eat leaves from the trees, or onions from my lawn—more weeds than grass by far, by the way—they’re really pretty spectacular. I can totally imagine that some of our listeners up there in Canada and Alaska and Russia. They are laughing out loud at me.  

HOST: “We have caribou, moose, elk… They eat your stupid tiny deer for snack…” (beat) Wow. That went dark quickly, didn’t it? Maybe we should to the parental guidance warning if we’re going to be eating deer up in here. No? Okay, my imaginary studio audience has said that we’re all done with the deer eating shenanigans. Alright. Good. Okay, so guys, today we’re going to talk about the aftermath of our recent presidential election. Before we really get started, I want you guys to know that this is not going to be a referendum on how much I personally dislike our president-elect, or how much more appropriate a president I believe our former secretary of state would have been. That stuff is a fait accompli. It’s a done deal. I do wish it had all turned out very differently, but it didn’t. So now we should just assume that we have the president we have for the next four years. I’m not one of those who is going to deny the fairness of the system or claim, like our president-elect did repeatedly before he won, that the election and the entire process are rigged. I do not like the outcome, but I have no evidence to allege that somehow the way the election turned out wasn’t ultimately the will of the people, the way our system was designed to work.  

HOST: So I am not disputing the fairness of the system or the validity of the outcome. Donald J. Trump is our president-elect and, unless something else unexpected occurs between now and January 20, 2017, he will become our 45th president and there’s nothing really that any of us reasonable people can do about that. No, guys. The thing I would like to share with you—whether you live in this country and are suffering through this with me, or you are a devoted listener from another country and are sitting at home totally mystified that we Americans have done this to ourselves—is how it feels to learn that about half of your fellow citizens are somewhere on the spectrum that has outright bigots on one side, and people who are somehow willing to easily forgive bigotry for the sake of electing a charismatic charlatan who makes up problems as easily as he avoids making up solutions. Why do I say that? What makes me think that half of the electorate falls on that particular spectrum somewhere? Well, guys, for those of us who are uninitiated, our president-elect was covered more than all other 2016 presidential candidates combined because he never failed to say or do something truly shocking nearly every day for about a year and a half. 

HOST: For starters, when he rode the escalator down to the press event in Trump Tower on June 16, 2015, when he announced his candidacy for president, Mr. Trump gave a speech. In that speech, he said, “The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems….When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best… They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people….It’s coming from more than Mexico. It’s coming from all over South and Latin American, and it’s coming probably— probably— from the Middle East. But we don’t know.”  Guys, this was a prepared speech by the guy who is soon to be the so-called leader of the free world. In this one speech, he insulted people of Chinese descent, Mexican descent, Middle Eastern Descent, Japanese descent, South American and/or Latin American descent, and more. Now four years earlier, this is the person who took to the airwaves and invented and perpetuated the lies that our current president—the first and only black U.S. president ever—was not born in this country and that he was secretly a muslim.  None of that was true. And he knew it. 

HOST: By the way, Mr. Trump used to be a democrat—same party as President Obama—and then he changed when he spotted a deficit of leadership in the Republican party.  This person, who will soon be our president, in order to win the white house, aligned himself with the lowest form of American life, those people on the extreme end of that spectrum that we mentioned a few minutes ago. He was endorsed by David Duke, the former grand dragon of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan—America’s most notorious racist hate group. He was also endorsed by the KKK itself, as well as its most prominent newspaper. These are verifiable facts, guys. Please look them up for yourself.  He became best friends with Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News—America’s least enlightened, least culturally sensitive cable news channel, and had Ailes come to work on his campaign. He became close friends with Steve Bannon, the former head of Breitbart News and breitbart.com, and brought him in to be CEO of the Trump campaign. After the election, he was named as the “chief advisor” to the President. This is a guy who once infamously said that he didn’t want his daughters attending a private school with Jews.

HOST: This is a bad, bad man, guys. Breitbart is a company that specializes in promoting white supremacist and white separatist causes by fabricating scandalous news stories about people and organizations that such people consider to be enemies of their causes. The New York Times described it this way: “Breitbart has been denounced as misogynist, racist and xenophobic, and it served as a clearinghouse for attacks on Mr. Trump’s adversaries, spreading unsubstantiated rumors about Hillary Clinton’s health and undermining its own reporter, Michelle Fields, after she accused Corey Lewandowski, then Mr. Trump’s campaign manager, of assaulting her.” Some of the more memorable headlines by this so-called media outlet include: “World Health Organization Report: Trannies 49(TIMES) Higher HIV Rate.” and “There’s No Hiring Bias Against Women In Tech, They Just Suck At Interviews” and “Planned Parenthood’s Body Count Under Cecile Richards Is Up To Half A Holocaust.” Or how about this lovely one? “Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy.” By the way, none of these is intended to be comedy. 

HOST: They are all presented to Breitbart’s audience of millions as legitimate news. This is the guy who has the ear of the president-elect. This is the guy who is the biggest bit of proof that Mr. Trump is, at the least, a person who holds those different than him in contempt. At the most, it labels Trump a racist, homophobe, xenophobe, sexist, agist, rapist, islamophobe, and antisemite all at once. Trump also became close friends with Nigel Farrage. Those of my friends and listeners in the U.K. and all over Europe know already that Farrage is a fear monger who encouraged the British to leave the security of the European Union by making the common people terrified that little brown men and women were going to steal their privilege away. And instead of helping to facilitate the actual move that the U.K. must now endure, Farrage was here touring the country with Mr. Trump and stirring up the same fear of brown, yellow, red, and black over here.  You'd think he’d be to busy to have time to do that right now. By the way, people in Mississippi at a Trump rally didn’t know Nigel Farrage from Nicki Minage.  So ask yourself what his relevance was. Ask yourself why he was there.  Certainly not to Make America Great Again. 

HOST: Alan Dershowitz, perhaps the most highly recognized constitutional scholar who is also a trial attorney, wrote this in his recent opinion column on FoxNew.com. "This is what I wrote in my Ebook, Electile Dysfunction: ‘Think about the vote on Brexit. Virtually all the polls including exit polls that asked voters who they had voted for - got it wrong. The financial markets got it wrong. The bookies got it wrong. The 2016 presidential election is more like the Brexit vote in many ways than it is like prior presidential elections. Both Brexit and this presidential election involve raw emotion, populism, anger, nationalism. (Britain First, America First), class division and other factors that distort accuracy in polling. So anyone who thinks they know who will be the next president of the United States is deceiving themselves.’" That makes it abundantly clear that one of our greatest analytical legal minds believes that Farrage and Brexit weren’t part of this crazy crazy crazy show by coincidence. Let’s take a break. 

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ANNCR: This year, I won’t be doing my holiday shopping at the mall. I’m going to jamsbykim.com. I’m having Jams by Kim send the world’s best artisanal jams to my friends and loved ones around the United States. And you should too. Pepper Jam, Tart Lemon, Berry Habanero. Can you imagine Cranberry Chutney on your Thanksgiving table? So many more varieties I might have to do a whole episode just to name them all! Jams by Kim, One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.

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HOST: Guys, I’ve been voting since I was 18. I’m now 49. This isn’t the first time I’ve been horribly disappointed by the outcome of a political race. I even have friends who have run for various offices over the years, and many of them with my help. The disappointment when we lose is hard to take, but you do take it and then you begin to accept the version of the world that has your chosen politician not in the role you wanted. You soon figure out how to make the most of the version of the world that has the other guy as the leader. 

HOST: You find ways to work with that guy for the good of society, but also how to appropriately challenge that leader so that she knows that there is a check on her power and that the constituency is watching and demanding solid leadership in the interest of the community. That’s the mature way to accept an electoral loss. Ordinarily. Now I didn’t invent that. People have done it that way since the very first democratic elections—going all the way back to the direct democracies of Ancient Greece. Certainly there have been bad patches where people couldn’t accept the loss so easily—assassinations, coups and civil wars. I don’t want to overly dramatize our current situation, but I do need to point out what makes this year’s presidential election exceptional. Because it is exceptional, guys. I’m sure there are some of you out there, in this country and around the world, who wish that people like me would just get over it. I’ve had people tell me “your side lost. Grow up.” They’ve said it on Facebook. They’ve said it on Twitter. They’ve said it in the grocery store and at a restaurant. It is true. My side did lose. I do need to get over that part. And I will. 

HOST: And I will try to respect my president as best I can, like I did in 2000 and 2004 when President George W. Bush was elected. Many may remember that his 2000 election was the subject of a truly contentious election that resulted in the final determination being made, for the first time—but not the last probably—by the United States Supreme Court. Most of my friends and family felt that outcome was wrong for many reasons. But none of us seriously doubted President Bush’s basic qualifications for the job. He had been governor of one of our largest and most populous states. He had dealt with crime and punishment, natural disasters, healthcare issues, financial distress, and military issues. He was, by no means, a scholar or a diplomat, and there were some concerns over his actual intelligence, but we all thought that he could govern with the right help. And President Bush surrounded himself with experienced, well-regarded leaders from his father’s presidential administration. There were plenty of times, during the 2000 campaign, where then-Governor Bush said and did some really dumb stuff. Really dumb. Comedians and cartoonists made whole careers out of making fun of him. 

HOST: And while I felt strongly that Bush didn’t specifically care about many of the issues that were important to me—or worse, that he took the opposite view on these issues, I never felt that President Bush was a bigot. I mostly felt he was out of touch. And, although I didn’t agree with most of the decisions the Bush administration made, I generally saw a method to his madness. The same will not likely be true with President-elect Donald Trump. Let me say emphatically that I did not believe that Mr. Trump was serious about becoming president of the United States. I still don’t. But then I don’t believe he means much of anything he says. Which is helpful in understanding why I, and many others, feel he is going to be so bad for this country. Why his election signals the end of many things we feel are special about our country. I have heard many of his supporters explaining away the horrible things he has said before, during, and even after this horrendous campaign. Seemingly well-meaning people have said to me and to others, with a dead straight face, “oh, he didn’t mean those things he said. He just gave into an impulse to say something outrageous.” 

HOST: They then go on to explain why this explanation makes it clear that “he’s not really a racist” or “he’s not really a homophobe” or “he’s not really a sexist” or “he’s not really a rapist” or “he’s not really an agist” or “he’s not really a xenophobe” or “he’s not really an Islamophobe” or “he’s not really a pedophile” or “he’s not really a body shamer” or “he’s not really a liar, cheat, or thief.” But they never kind of explain why and how he had the impulse or compulsion to do or say the things underlying the accusations in the first place. What prompted him to call Mexicans rapists with no actual evidence and no real context? What prompted him to tell African-Americans “You live in your poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58 percent of your youth is unemployed. What the hell do you have to lose?” That diatribe wasn't actually made to a black audience. It was made at a rally in a Michigan community that is 93 percent white. And, while we’re on the subject, most everything he said was dishonest or misleading. But he meant to do that. It drove his underlying message to his core supporters.  

HOST: And who are they? They are white people who, in a fit of desperation for personal financial stability, societal normalization, and a “return” to “the good old days.” Am I saying white supremacists?  I am not. I am saying that President-elect Trump’s core group of supporters seems to be generally less-well-educated people who have been made to feel threatened by the our society’s contemporary emphases on inclusiveness and diversity. Look, guys, I would love to tell you to write off this entire group of people because they are the lowest of the low. I would love to tell you that there is no virtue in what they were trying to do by voting for and electing the most obvious charlatan ever to present himself in the history of American politics. But most of these people were either too worried about their own dire situations to be concerned about those who are somehow different from them, or they were so mystified by the tv star and fake billionaire and his hyper-dramatic presentation that they forgot to think about what he was saying. And some of them are people dear to me. Guys, let’s face it. Let’s be clear. There will be no wall. And Mexico won’t be paying for it. Nobody will, because nobody can pay $25 billion for a fake solution to a fake problem. 

HOST: And President-elect Trump has already admitted that he will likely be amending Obamacare instead of completely repealing it “during the first hour of his first day in the white house” as he has stated literally hundreds of times on the campaign trail. Oh yeah, and he probably won’t be deporting 11 or 12 million undocumented immigrants during that same hour either. And as for bringing back the high paying manufacturing and industrial jobs, unless he has a magic wand and a time machine, most economists and labor experts agree that there’s no real way to accomplish this either. So basically, our modern-day P.T. Barnum has sold a nation half-filled with sick people the desperate, but ineffective, medicine commonly known as snake oil. And they bought it because they have felt that nothing else has worked to solve the problems they have. And just like the real snake oil, this impotent mixture will taste just awful going down and will accomplish a big fat nothing.  We’ll be right back.

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ANNCR: I just love the colors that only come out in the fall. I also love fresh-baked, homemade bread. That only comes out when mom’s in town. Only two things could make this any better. The first is Strawberry Habanero Jam, which you can only get from Jams by Kim. The other one is having friends and family around to enjoy it with me. But the first one kind of takes care of the first. Get your jam from Jams by Kim and the family and friends just kind of show up. You don’t have to go with Strawberry Habanero. You can go Lime Ginger, Blueberry Lemon, or even Pepper Jam! You’re limited only by Kim’s imagination and your good taste. Which means there are no limits, guys. None at all with Jams by Kim! Peach Habanero! Berry Habanero! And all the baby Habaneros! Really the sky’s the limit! Go to www.jamsbykim.com to see it for yourself. Taste it for yourself. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.

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HOST: Guys, you have probably noticed that, inasmuch as I don’t want President-elect Trump to be my president, I recognize that that part is out of my hands. 

HOST: We voted. He won. This episode is not about his utter unsuitability for this highest and rarest of honors. He is unsuitable. But this episode it my attempt to come to grips with the fact that things have gotten so bad, from the perspective of half of my fellow citizens, that they wittingly voted for a person who is demonstrably a bigot. By his own words and his own actions, he holds Mexicans, blacks, women, gays, muslims, the elderly, the Chinese, and those from South America and so-called Latin America in contempt. By his own words and his own actions, they are simply not as good as he is. By his own words and his own actions, they are not entitled to the same courtesy, respect, or dignity that he believes he is. He has been discriminating against those different than he is since at least the 1970s when he was a landlord of luxury apartment and had to be sued twice before he would permit blacks to rent in his buildings. And in 1989, he called for the execution, without trial, of five black teenagers who were falsely accused of attacking and raping a female jogger in New York’s Central Park. 

HOST: Even after DNA exonerated all five, and a serial killer and rapist came forward and admitted to having committed the heinous crime, Trump refused to back down and ran ads in the New York Times to try to keep the five in prison. And he has been discriminating against women for at least that long. His three wives and two daughters, if they were to be totally honest, would have to admit that he has said and done some creepy things around, about, and to them all. And then we can consider his clear opinions of combat veterans (Senator McCain is a loser because he got captured by the enemy and held as a prisoner of war for five years in North Vietnam). And we can consider his contempt for at least one gold star family. Guys, if you don’t know, a gold star family is a family that has lost a uniformed member in combat or due to military action. Remember the speech by Mr. Khizr Khan, who was joined at the podium by his wife Ghazala Khan at the Democratic National Convention this past summer? These two amazingly dignified people spoke to the crowd about the death of their son, Captain Humayun Khan, while he was serving in the U.S. Army in Iraq in 2004.  

HOST: In the speech, Mr. Khan, a lawyer who was born in Pakistan and who became a naturalized U.S. citizen, offered to lend his copy of the U.S. Constitution to Donald Trump. Obviously, it was a rhetorical device and obviously it was meant to whip the DNC crowd into a bit of a frenzy. All political convention speeches employ these techniques.  But instead of treating it as fair political discourse and letting it wash right past him, Mr. Trump decided that his best move would be to attack these two citizens and their religion—Islam—by implying that the only reason that this grief-stricken Gold Star mom would choose not to address the crowd herself is because she was somehow being controlled by her presumably domineering Muslim husband. That’s clearly islamophobia, but isn't it also misogyny? Oh yeah, and Mr. Trump did his attacks via Twitter and then national tv interviews. Considering that he apparently has millions and millions of Twitter followers and millions and millions of broadcast followers, his act also labels him a bully.  But the electorate decided that these things were not consequential to their choice of him as our president.

HOST: And do you remember when, during the first debate during the primary season, Moderator Megyn Kelly asked Donald Trump about the dozens of times he had, as a “celebrity” socialite and reality TV show host, insulted Rosie O’Donnell and countless other women by calling them “fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals.” She also asked him about the time he also once tweeted about a female contestant on his reality tv show that “it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees,” making a clear reference to a sexual act. Mr. Trump was so defiant in his answer that it seemed certain that half of all voting Americans would turn against him in that moment. Yet, a year later, he was elected president. And that could not have happened had a substantial percentage women not supported his candidacy and voted for him. How does that happen? Oh, and by the way, a goodly number of Mr. Trump’s personal and categorical attacks on individuals and on blocks of the electorate take place on Twitter. It’s almost as if he believed that publishing these little nasty-grams to his now 14 million Twitter followers constituted free kidney punches for which he would never be held accountable. 

HOST: Like most reasonable people, I watched in horror and waited for the shoe to drop. But it never did. Like an eel this guy. A slippery, slimy, stinky, unpleasant, rude, lewd, crude, rambunctious, unctuous, non-compunctious, nasty, nasty, nasty eel. And somehow the American people let the devil in our door. And it really isn’t the devil’s fault. Comedian Chris Rock has a joke about a certain celebrity big cat trainer who was mauled years back by one of his charges. And, according to the story, people were concerned because the tiger “went crazy.” But Chris Rock disagreed with that assessment. “That tiger didn’t go crazy,” he said. “That tiger went tiger.” With all due respect to and empathy for Roy, the performer, the joke makes a huge point. Or should I say “Yuge”? Those who have ever heard our president-elect speak will get that comment. Anyway, the joke makes the point that much like it was unreasonable for Roy to have expected behavior from the tiger that was contrary to its nature, Americans are silly to expect this fatally flawed person to ever rise to the level of the highest caliber of leader. Again, not that I expect him or anyone to be perfect. I’m certainly not perfect and I’m not a hypocrite. 

HOST: But we want our leaders to represent a sort of moral high ground to the rest of the world. We want them to have the appearance of tremendous character, even if they are a little less good in private. Here’s a silly little game I like to play. We have generally put our most revered leaders on our money. Our coins and our paper notes. Now, in fairness, that honor has largely been reserved for men, but play along for a moment. Try to picture Donald J. Trump on a postage stamp or a $50 bill. Can you imagine it? Would it bother you to have it in your wallet or on your desk? Or would it be an honor and a privilege to see? Or would it be something that you don’t even register? My guess is that even most of those who supported his presidency are of the camp that they cannot even imagine this guy on our money. So why on earth did we send him to the white house. That is what’s behind the protesters in all of our major cities, guys. That is behind the divisiveness on Facebook and Twitter. This guy is why many people who have loved each other for years are finding their friendships and relationships fractured. We are all afraid, supporters and detractors alike. 

HOST: Because this guy will have tremendous power as president. More power than any modern president has ever had. Why? Because he will have all three branches of the federal government.  He will have the executive branch, of course, and will have the ability to reverse laws derived from executive orders and administrative codes—and these are the laws that tend to protect consumers and govern workplace safety and safeguard the civil rights and basic human dignity of people of diverse races, national origins, religious beliefs, physical and mental capability, sexual orientation, and gender. Further, as he has already repeatedly said, he will assume he has the ability to prosecute his former political rivals for actions that have not heretofore been considered criminal activity. He will also have the two houses of the Congress which pretty much guarantees that he will be able to easily overturn the statutes that protect the rights of these same people. 

HOST: Finally, because his party will have a majority in both houses, he will be able to easily appoint at least one conservative Supreme Court justice and several hundred conservative judges, virtually guaranteeing that the court-made laws that have protected the rights of these people will be overturned—blasting civil rights and women’s rights back to where they were some 60 years ago. Imagine an America where women no longer have a constitutional right to their own bodies. What impact will that have on the other aspects of their lives? Pretty profound I’ll wager. And what happens to the hundreds of thousands of same-sex couples that have become legally wed in the past few years? And what happens to their children when the courts and congress together eliminate their right to get, or even to be, married? And as a black father of three, including two young women in training, I am terrified for their future. What keeps them safe from the dial-back of voting rights laws, public accommodations laws, workplace anti-discrimination laws, public school education equality laws, medical treatment equality laws, and more? 

HOST: And if the government is officially “recognizing” them as inferior persons, won’t some private citizens simply follow suit? Isn’t that what happened in Germany, Austria, Poland, and a whole bunch of other places during the 1930s and 40s? The parallels between this situation and Nazi Germany cannot be overstated, and this isn’t just a rhetorical device people are using to advance their liberal agenda. We are afraid, and this president-elect is doing little to make us feel better. He knows that hate crimes are already abounding—in his name, by the way. Swastikas are being painted on public and private buildings. The primary difference between these Swastikas and the ones from Hitler’s day is that these have references to Trump and his recent electoral victory. Plus Latino children, most of whom are citizens or legal residents, are having personalized threats of deportation hurled in their direction daily. Muslim children, and some who aren’t even muslim, are being physically threatened by people purporting to be Trump supporters.  I myself have already been told to shut the blank up and go back to Somalia. Guys, I’m from Indiana and so were my parents. My grandparents were from Mississippi, Alabama, and Arkansas. 

HOST: Their parents were from Virginia and North Carolina. The earliest direct ancestor I could find in public records was born in Virginia in 1804. His name was Dred Brown and he was my great great great great great grandfather. So I won’t be going back to Somalia, except as a tourist. Oh yeah, and by the way, guys. By the way. Our president-elect has stated emphatically that he believes that climate change is a hoax perpetuated by the Chinese. So he will be reversing all of the regulations and policies that President Obama and his predecessors have put into place to try to save our world.  Guys, my children are these ever-hopeful, super-nice, wonderfully weird troopers who have always trusted me to protect them from the bad stuff and bad people in our universe. I don’t know exactly how, but I must protect them from this. You know? In the end, however horrible some people try to make this world be, the good people in this world, including my three children, will win out. I believe it. I really do. And look at how long the protests have lasted, guys. There are people out there—black, white, brown, yellow, rich, poor, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian, Agnostic, Atheist, Male, Female, Straight, Gay, Trans, Bisexual, educated elites and high school dropouts alike. They know what’s right and they’re going to stay at it until the new president and his team know too. And the fact that we live in a place where we can do that without fear of significant punishment is what made America great in the first place. Remember that and we will be okay.

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SFX: say what?

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HOST: Wow, guys, wow!  Can’t believe how this time has just flown by once again, can you? I love the time we spend together each week. I can’t even pretend that isn’t true. But all good things must come to an end I suppose. Oh well. I’ll be here next Wednesday, no matter what else is happening in the world. You know I will be here. And you’d better be here too. Because if you’re not, you know we’ll just be talking about you! Have an amazing week with your wonderful families. Hug each person in your family and tell him or her how much you care. I think we all need that right now, right?  Anyway, until next week, guys, enjoy…

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So Sorry I'm Not More Sorry (an excerpt from Doctor Ackrite's Get It Together Podcast, Episode 27)(originally aired November 9, 2016)

PRE-INTRO

Guys, I’m recording this episode on the morning following the most profoundly disappointing presidential Election Day of my entire life. I was up very late following the coverage and simultaneously having my heart broken. I generally try to keep politics out of this show, but given that so many of you tune in from so many other countries, I feel compelled to say to you the following: I did not vote for President-Elect Trump and his values, such as they are, do not match my own. I’m embarrassed and hurt that my great nation fell for the tricks of a dangerous charlatan. I do not support a Trump presidency and I shall work within the laws to help ensure that it is a short ugly period in our history. Now, with that, let’s get on with the show. 

EPISODE 27 INTRO 

In this episode of Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast, we’re going to talk about Regrets, Remorse and Apologies. Are you sorry? Why are you sorry? and How long will you be sorry? And if you’re not, what the heck are you apologizing for anyway? But first, I’m getting a “Check Engine” light—and I’m not in a car… Darned high-tech athletic shoes are going too far I think. Be right back…

Hey there, guys. Hello, hello, hello. I hope you guys are here and ready for a good conversation today. I know you are surprised to hear this, but, for once, I have a lot to say. Yup. It’s true. Not going to be my shy, shrinking violet, normal self today. I’m sacrificing my comfort level because I love you guys so much. You don’t have to say it back. I feel it anyway. 

Guys, today we’re going to talk about regrets and sorrow. I know it might not seem like the most riveting topic I can cover today, but I think you may feel differently after we’ve talked for a while—because I believe that many, if not most, relationships go off the rails because we fail to manage regrets and remorse appropriately. We screw up the apologies—or we apologize when we shouldn’t, or when we don’t mean it. 

Seriously, guys, I think the most insincerely uttered words in all of English, other than “I love you” and “I’ll pay you later” would have to be “I’m sorry.” 

Think about it for a moment. Here’s a conversation that ought to feel familiar to anyone who has ever had a longterm romantic relationship: “How did you like your breakfast?” “I didn’t really like it.” “Why would you say that to me?” “But, Babe, you know I don’t like grits.” “But you didn’t have to be rude about it.” “I’m sorry if you think I was rude.” “And I’m sorry if you think I cooked the wrong food for you, but I was trying to do something nice for you.” “You’re right. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

Yeah. There ain’t a thing about that conversation—and any like it—that is genuine or sincere. Nothing. Nada. Nuthin. The eater did try to honestly answer a question that was contrived and unfair. That was his first big mistake. Had he been more sensitive and more sensible, he would probably have realized that the cooker didn’t really want raves about the food, but rather wanted to hear what a great person she was for making an effort. Eater could have given a sincere and loving approbation for the effort and possibly avoided mentioning the horrible food—and grits ARE horrible food, guys. Had Eater done that, had he just found a way to accentuate the positive, the argument might have been avoided. Might have been. Because Cooker may have been spoiling for a good fight by cooking grits in the first place. But let’s assume that she just forgot. 

Some of you are thinking that Eater could have also avoided the fight by lying and saying he liked it when he didn’t. But those of you who know me know I’m not going to agree with that strategy. Lying only complicates otherwise simple things. If he lied, she will likely know that he’s lying—remember, she knows he hates grits. So why would she believe him if he raves about them suddenly? Also, even if she does believe him, Eater may be sentenced to eating grits every day until he comes clean about his hatred of grits. Then he has to admit the lie and is forced to apologize to boot. Yeesh! Not much of a magical solution there, is there?

So then let’s move past his truthful, but insensitive, statement—and whether she set him up by asking the question to begin with. Hint: She did. She totally did. That little role-play she did was a test. He was either going to lie or he was going to hurt her feelings. There might be other explanations for it, but this situation seems pretty clear. I won’t say she was spoiling for a fight, but she sure took the shortest route to disagreement—whether or not she wanted one. And that cheap trick is why many couples feel they cannot escape the turmoil and stress of constantly arguing.

It was unfair for her to set him up. It was also unfair for her to challenge him for telling her his truth. When she decided to do that, she knew there would likely be conflict. She could have let it go, but she decided to err on the side of disagreement. That was an unfortunate choice, to be sure.

But now, let’s talk about that crazy-insincere series of fake apologies. Starting with the “I’m sorry if you think I was rude.” Okay, so let me pull out my Fenglish to English Dictionary. Roughly translated, these words mean, “I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. I wasn’t rude to you. I was honest with you. You should appreciate me for being the kind of partner that I am, honest and loyal and true. But instead, you try to trap me with these stupid games and I’m truly annoyed by it all. That said, I know from experience that this isn’t going to be over until I issue some sort of bogus apology, so here goes: I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been rude.” 

Just so you guys know, among the many gifts and talents I have, I am fluent in Gobbledygook, and Fenglish (also known as “Fake English”) is a dialect of Gobbledygook. I learned to translate it by a total immersion program commonly known as marriage.

Here’s the point in this little apology vignette: When the the word “if” or any other conditional conjunction appears in your apology, it’s largely full of stuff and nonsense. Or bull-stuff and horse-nonsense. Excuse my salty tongue, guys. I feel kind of passionate about this one. “I’m sorry if” places the onus on the other person to determine whether or not you’re actually sorry, and it has the added insult of plainly implying that whatever feelings you have that make you feel entitled to an apology in the first place are unreasonable and inappropriate–and so typically you. So, in other words, I’m not really sorry because your feelings are invalid. But I should get credit for being the bigger person because I pretended to apologize. 

Now notice that both of them employed this little trick. She did it too when she said, And I’m sorry if you think I cooked the wrong food for you, but I was trying to do something nice for you.” He doesn’t think she cooked the wrong food. She cooked the wrong food. The likelihood that she couldn’t remember that he doesn’t like grits is pretty small. And, again, it seems clear that she did this all to create the horns of a dilemma upon which he could and would become entangled, if not impaled. And what a nasty one she has fashioned for him. “I’m sorry if (you feel) I’ve cooked the wrong food for you.” Oh no you’re not! “But I was trying to do something nice for you.” Oh no you weren’t. LET’S TAKE A BREAK.

So then, guys, what is a true apology and when should you actually apologize? My preposterously large dictionary–quite a bit larger than yours, thank you very much–has a couple hundred words on the topic. There are four definitions, and I can’t say that I really agree with any of them. The first one says “something said or written in defense or justification of what appears to others to be wrong or of what may be liable to disapprobation.” That definition implies that we are apologizing because others think we’ve said or done something wrong. Where on earth is the sincerity in that? I’m sorry because you think I’ve done wrong? Uh…no. 

The second definition says “an attempt to justify or excuse.” That’s so much worse than the first one. This one lacks the sorry, the remorse, doesn’t it? It says we are trying to excuse ourselves or justify our conduct. In other words, if we can get away with it, no foul. But there often is a foul, because there often is some harm, right? And attempting to justify it or to excuse it means that we haven’t done wrong. We just worry that you might not see it that way. Listen, if you do not truly feel that you have done wrong, do not apologize. Why would you? Why on earth would you? What are you sorry for? Doing exactly right? No. Knock it off. I mean it. Don’t make me come in there!

The third definition says an apology is “an acknowledgment intended as an atonement for some improper or injurious remark or act” or “an admission to another of a wrong or discourtesy done him accompanied by an expression of regret.” That one comes closer to correct because now we’re talking about regret and remorse as an element. There’s something so crucial about taking responsibility when we have intentionally or unintentionally stepped over a line and potentially injured another person. That is why we apologize, folks. That should be the best and maybe only reason to apologize. 

Again, I know some of you can toss out a host of other reasons why to apologize. And that is exactly what I think you should do with these other reasons. Toss them out. You heard me. Chuck ‘em. But Doc, you should apologize any time you believe it can help you keep the peace, shouldn’t you? Nope. Because if you think that being scared into saying stuff you don’t believe is a building block for peace, you might not know what peace is. Because, my friend, that ain’t hardly peace. It just is not. That’s defining peace as “the absence of war.” And that isn’t right. 

Peace is a sort of equanimity that results when everything is smooth and calm and there is no tension and no smoldering disagreement. No smoldering disagreement hiding there, just waiting to reignite. But if you lie or you’re insincere for the sake of restoring peace, the things about which you lie will come back to haunt your relationship. And they will be worse than the tension that will result from your telling the truth (or avoiding the unpleasantness while also avoiding the lie).

But just so we’re clear, I don’t love definition number three either. It still has the feeling that there is no genuine remorse in the apology. You are apologizing, under definition number three, because someone else’s feelings depend upon it. I really believe the only valid reason to apologize is because we recognize that, on purpose or by accident, we have done wrong or harm to someone else. We apologize when we step on someone’s foot. We apologize when we forgot to water our cubicle-mate’s plants. We apologize because we were thoughtless and ate dinner on the way home without calling and advising our husband or wife who has slaved over a hot stove. We apologize because we had too much to drink and acted like a certified moron at the holiday party.

We do not apologize because it will make someone else feel better, unless we feel actually responsible for her bad feelings to begin with. We do not apologize because of a set of circumstances we cannot control and did not cause—a rained out picnic, the late arrival of an Amazon delivery, or for the power outage causing the DVR not to tape his favorite serial drama. And we don’t apologize just to keep or restore the peace. Unless, during the course of discussion, our loved one helps us recognize the error of our ways and we are now convicted. We now know that we have acted wrongly, or failed to act rightly. Those are occasions where our apologies are even more noble than usual—because we own our mistakes and because we are being a good friend, spouse, or partner by listening, considering, and taking responsibility.

Definition four is “something that serves as an excuse for the absence of something. A poor specimen or substitute. Makeshift.” So clearly that isn’t what I believe an apology is.

Look, I believe an apology is taking ownership of the actual responsibility for potentially or actually causing physical, psychic, emotional, financial, material, or other harm to another person, whether such actual or potential harm was intentional, accidental, or somewhere in between. The apologist should be convinced that the act or omission that causes, or tends to cause, such harm was solely or jointly his fault and fully or partly within his control. That’s just off the top of my head, but clearly the key concepts are responsibility, remorse, harm, intention, and control. Anything short of that is likely insincere.

Further, I believe that a true apology should not depend upon the recipient’s willingness to receive it. For example, imagine this dialog: “I’m so sorry for stepping on your foot. Can you please forgive me?” “No. You’re an idiot and I will never forgive you. Never. Never!” “Okay, then I take back my apology.” Screech! What? You can’t do that. Not if you actually meant it when you said it. An apology is not really begging for, or even asking for, forgiveness. It is actually expressing one’s remorse for a certain undesirable outcome (or potential outcome). It is a statement of fact. “I am sorry.” Not “I see that you are sad and, therefore, if you will agree to forgive me, I will agree to be sorry for making you sad.” No. You’re either sorry or you are not. You’re either sorry or you are not. You’re either sorry or you are not. The acceptance or rejection of your apology cannot affect the sincerity with which it is given—or else it was never really sincere. This is a simple concept that almost nobody gets. It goes like this: “I am sorry because I have remorse for what I have done (or failed to do) and the harm that that has caused (or could have caused). I am sorry for letting you down, disappointing you, hurting your feelings, or nearly doing any of these things. While I would love it if you forgave me for not acting at my best, I will remain sorry and remorseful whether you do or do not. Because that is what an apology is.

An apology is also not a thing that you push to the center of the table because you believe it will help you gain a concession you really want. That is sorry, but not in the good way. And it is insincere—in all ways.—WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

While we’re on the subject of apologies, guys, I thought I’d also talk about regrets and remorse, two related concepts that I think people tend to also misunderstand. Lucille Ball once said, “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.” I’m of that school. George Halas, the early 20th Century football icon—who founded the Chicago Bears—once said “Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it.” That speaks to me too. Harriet Beecher Stowe, abolitionist, author, and educator, has said “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. So from these luminaries I take it that I should take chances, give my best, and leave no deeds undone and no words unspoken. I try my darnedest to live by these credos. 

In short, I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself because of the things I have tried and failed. I don’t lament the efforts that I’ve made that have failed to produce fruit. And, guys, there have been plenty of those. Some days, it feels as if I have failed more than I have succeeded, you know? But, even when surrounded by failed efforts and interrupted dreams, I do not have to sit and weep about the things I never got a chance to try, or never had the nerve to do. I have climbed a mountain. I have jumped from airplanes. I have hiked the road less traveled by, and swum in the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, Indian Ocean, the Mississippi River, the Gulf of Mexico, most of the Great Lakes, and Caribbean Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, and so many other bodies of water. I have gone to war and lived to tell about it. I have sung in front of hundreds and spoken in front of hundreds of thousands. I have read great books, watched great plays and movies, and traveled around the world and back again. I have stood beside a man on trial for his life, restored rights to a young mother falsely accused of harming her sickly, premature baby, and have brought peace to families in crisis. I have given my all to my children and been a great son and a good husband, even to the mother of my children. She might beg to differ, but I have no regrets about how I gave myself to her and was there for her. 

Please note that I am not saying that I have done everything perfectly. I am, in fact, saying that I have not. And for those times when I have not measured up, or have failed those who have relied upon me, I do most humbly apologize. But I have been totally in the fight for my whole life. I have always tried to leave it all on the field, so to speak, so I don’t feel badly for not demanding more from myself. 

As a dear friend says, I love hard. I am not the sort who is afraid to express my love and appreciation for another person. Although I am a shy person by nature, I learned long ago that our windows don’t stay open forever. So I’ve learned to pay compliments, express love, or ask for a date without fear that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. I teach my kids, by the way, that the best response to a compliment or an expression of love or appreciation is “thank you.” You shouldn’t say it back unless you really, spontaneously feel it. In my anecdotal experience, “I love you” is usually sincere enough. “I love you too” seldom is. I always want my kids to know that when I say “I love you” to them, it is because I have a need to say it. It is overflowing and I need to get it out. I am never saying it because I need to hear it back. 

I work very hard to never cultivate regrets. I err on the side of doing more, rather than lamenting the things I have never done and said. Remorse, however, is a different thing. I have remorse for every time I’ve failed to listen when someone has asked for my help. I have remorse for each time I have laughed at someone who really just needed someone to understand and empathize. And I have remorse for every time I have objectified or stereotyped someone and made her feel less than. 

I don’t like having remorse, so, over the years, as I have cultivated wisdom, I’ve learned to avoid later remorse by not being a jerk. As it turns out, it isn’t that hard after all…

SAY WHAT? 

I can honestly say that I was looking for a really upbeat song or other media to introduce for this week’s segment, but events of late have led me, over and over again, back to this song from way back in my youngster days. I think I was 20 when I first heard it. I will admit that it’s weird, but that’s no reason not to love it. You guys love me and I don’t think they come much weirder than me. This song, Don’t Let It Get You Down, was introduced in 1988 by the Fine Young Cannibals. It has the following lyrics: When no friends can’t be found

And my girl is out of town

I come home to empty house

The telephone is all I have

When my plans don’t work out

Mama says, don’t let it get you 

down. Don’t let it get you down. These words and the feeling behind them are familiar to all of us. Today, especially, I want you, my friends and fans all over the world, not to let this unexpectedly horrible turn of events get you down. There’s an old song we used to sing in the church where I grew up that has the words Trouble Don’t Last Always. It says “Weeping may endure for a night. Keep the faith, it’ll be alright.” And somehow, guys, so will we.
OUTRO

Oh my goodness, guys! Can’t really be the end of another half hour episode of Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast? My clock says it is; my heart says it is not. But the clock wins, as usual. I love the time we spend together each week, so please make sure you’re back here with me next Wednesday. If you’re not, you can be sure we’re going to be talking about you. If you want to reach me before that next episode, you can either direct tweet me or direct message me at @doctorackrite. You can also find me on our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/doctorackrite. Write me right on the page, or send me a private message and I promise you I will get it. 

I want to shout out to my amazing fans in Englewood, Colorado, Ashburn, Virginia, West Orange, New Jersey and Seattle and Redmond, Washington. You guys ROCK! I also love my listeners in more than 40 countries, including China, Turkey, Kenya, The Netherlands, Germany, Japan, Italy, India, and Australia. You know I love you and I will look for you this time next week. 

Until that time, guys, let’s take wonderful care of our beautiful and wonderful families. Have an amazing week! Enjoy!