PRE-INTRO
Guys, I’m recording this episode on the morning following the most profoundly disappointing presidential Election Day of my entire life. I was up very late following the coverage and simultaneously having my heart broken. I generally try to keep politics out of this show, but given that so many of you tune in from so many other countries, I feel compelled to say to you the following: I did not vote for President-Elect Trump and his values, such as they are, do not match my own. I’m embarrassed and hurt that my great nation fell for the tricks of a dangerous charlatan. I do not support a Trump presidency and I shall work within the laws to help ensure that it is a short ugly period in our history. Now, with that, let’s get on with the show.
EPISODE 27 INTRO
In this episode of Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast, we’re going to talk about Regrets, Remorse and Apologies. Are you sorry? Why are you sorry? and How long will you be sorry? And if you’re not, what the heck are you apologizing for anyway? But first, I’m getting a “Check Engine” light—and I’m not in a car… Darned high-tech athletic shoes are going too far I think. Be right back…
Hey there, guys. Hello, hello, hello. I hope you guys are here and ready for a good conversation today. I know you are surprised to hear this, but, for once, I have a lot to say. Yup. It’s true. Not going to be my shy, shrinking violet, normal self today. I’m sacrificing my comfort level because I love you guys so much. You don’t have to say it back. I feel it anyway.
Guys, today we’re going to talk about regrets and sorrow. I know it might not seem like the most riveting topic I can cover today, but I think you may feel differently after we’ve talked for a while—because I believe that many, if not most, relationships go off the rails because we fail to manage regrets and remorse appropriately. We screw up the apologies—or we apologize when we shouldn’t, or when we don’t mean it.
Seriously, guys, I think the most insincerely uttered words in all of English, other than “I love you” and “I’ll pay you later” would have to be “I’m sorry.”
Think about it for a moment. Here’s a conversation that ought to feel familiar to anyone who has ever had a longterm romantic relationship: “How did you like your breakfast?” “I didn’t really like it.” “Why would you say that to me?” “But, Babe, you know I don’t like grits.” “But you didn’t have to be rude about it.” “I’m sorry if you think I was rude.” “And I’m sorry if you think I cooked the wrong food for you, but I was trying to do something nice for you.” “You’re right. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
Yeah. There ain’t a thing about that conversation—and any like it—that is genuine or sincere. Nothing. Nada. Nuthin. The eater did try to honestly answer a question that was contrived and unfair. That was his first big mistake. Had he been more sensitive and more sensible, he would probably have realized that the cooker didn’t really want raves about the food, but rather wanted to hear what a great person she was for making an effort. Eater could have given a sincere and loving approbation for the effort and possibly avoided mentioning the horrible food—and grits ARE horrible food, guys. Had Eater done that, had he just found a way to accentuate the positive, the argument might have been avoided. Might have been. Because Cooker may have been spoiling for a good fight by cooking grits in the first place. But let’s assume that she just forgot.
Some of you are thinking that Eater could have also avoided the fight by lying and saying he liked it when he didn’t. But those of you who know me know I’m not going to agree with that strategy. Lying only complicates otherwise simple things. If he lied, she will likely know that he’s lying—remember, she knows he hates grits. So why would she believe him if he raves about them suddenly? Also, even if she does believe him, Eater may be sentenced to eating grits every day until he comes clean about his hatred of grits. Then he has to admit the lie and is forced to apologize to boot. Yeesh! Not much of a magical solution there, is there?
So then let’s move past his truthful, but insensitive, statement—and whether she set him up by asking the question to begin with. Hint: She did. She totally did. That little role-play she did was a test. He was either going to lie or he was going to hurt her feelings. There might be other explanations for it, but this situation seems pretty clear. I won’t say she was spoiling for a fight, but she sure took the shortest route to disagreement—whether or not she wanted one. And that cheap trick is why many couples feel they cannot escape the turmoil and stress of constantly arguing.
It was unfair for her to set him up. It was also unfair for her to challenge him for telling her his truth. When she decided to do that, she knew there would likely be conflict. She could have let it go, but she decided to err on the side of disagreement. That was an unfortunate choice, to be sure.
But now, let’s talk about that crazy-insincere series of fake apologies. Starting with the “I’m sorry if you think I was rude.” Okay, so let me pull out my Fenglish to English Dictionary. Roughly translated, these words mean, “I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. I wasn’t rude to you. I was honest with you. You should appreciate me for being the kind of partner that I am, honest and loyal and true. But instead, you try to trap me with these stupid games and I’m truly annoyed by it all. That said, I know from experience that this isn’t going to be over until I issue some sort of bogus apology, so here goes: I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been rude.”
Just so you guys know, among the many gifts and talents I have, I am fluent in Gobbledygook, and Fenglish (also known as “Fake English”) is a dialect of Gobbledygook. I learned to translate it by a total immersion program commonly known as marriage.
Here’s the point in this little apology vignette: When the the word “if” or any other conditional conjunction appears in your apology, it’s largely full of stuff and nonsense. Or bull-stuff and horse-nonsense. Excuse my salty tongue, guys. I feel kind of passionate about this one. “I’m sorry if” places the onus on the other person to determine whether or not you’re actually sorry, and it has the added insult of plainly implying that whatever feelings you have that make you feel entitled to an apology in the first place are unreasonable and inappropriate–and so typically you. So, in other words, I’m not really sorry because your feelings are invalid. But I should get credit for being the bigger person because I pretended to apologize.
Now notice that both of them employed this little trick. She did it too when she said, And I’m sorry if you think I cooked the wrong food for you, but I was trying to do something nice for you.” He doesn’t think she cooked the wrong food. She cooked the wrong food. The likelihood that she couldn’t remember that he doesn’t like grits is pretty small. And, again, it seems clear that she did this all to create the horns of a dilemma upon which he could and would become entangled, if not impaled. And what a nasty one she has fashioned for him. “I’m sorry if (you feel) I’ve cooked the wrong food for you.” Oh no you’re not! “But I was trying to do something nice for you.” Oh no you weren’t. LET’S TAKE A BREAK.
So then, guys, what is a true apology and when should you actually apologize? My preposterously large dictionary–quite a bit larger than yours, thank you very much–has a couple hundred words on the topic. There are four definitions, and I can’t say that I really agree with any of them. The first one says “something said or written in defense or justification of what appears to others to be wrong or of what may be liable to disapprobation.” That definition implies that we are apologizing because others think we’ve said or done something wrong. Where on earth is the sincerity in that? I’m sorry because you think I’ve done wrong? Uh…no.
The second definition says “an attempt to justify or excuse.” That’s so much worse than the first one. This one lacks the sorry, the remorse, doesn’t it? It says we are trying to excuse ourselves or justify our conduct. In other words, if we can get away with it, no foul. But there often is a foul, because there often is some harm, right? And attempting to justify it or to excuse it means that we haven’t done wrong. We just worry that you might not see it that way. Listen, if you do not truly feel that you have done wrong, do not apologize. Why would you? Why on earth would you? What are you sorry for? Doing exactly right? No. Knock it off. I mean it. Don’t make me come in there!
The third definition says an apology is “an acknowledgment intended as an atonement for some improper or injurious remark or act” or “an admission to another of a wrong or discourtesy done him accompanied by an expression of regret.” That one comes closer to correct because now we’re talking about regret and remorse as an element. There’s something so crucial about taking responsibility when we have intentionally or unintentionally stepped over a line and potentially injured another person. That is why we apologize, folks. That should be the best and maybe only reason to apologize.
Again, I know some of you can toss out a host of other reasons why to apologize. And that is exactly what I think you should do with these other reasons. Toss them out. You heard me. Chuck ‘em. But Doc, you should apologize any time you believe it can help you keep the peace, shouldn’t you? Nope. Because if you think that being scared into saying stuff you don’t believe is a building block for peace, you might not know what peace is. Because, my friend, that ain’t hardly peace. It just is not. That’s defining peace as “the absence of war.” And that isn’t right.
Peace is a sort of equanimity that results when everything is smooth and calm and there is no tension and no smoldering disagreement. No smoldering disagreement hiding there, just waiting to reignite. But if you lie or you’re insincere for the sake of restoring peace, the things about which you lie will come back to haunt your relationship. And they will be worse than the tension that will result from your telling the truth (or avoiding the unpleasantness while also avoiding the lie).
But just so we’re clear, I don’t love definition number three either. It still has the feeling that there is no genuine remorse in the apology. You are apologizing, under definition number three, because someone else’s feelings depend upon it. I really believe the only valid reason to apologize is because we recognize that, on purpose or by accident, we have done wrong or harm to someone else. We apologize when we step on someone’s foot. We apologize when we forgot to water our cubicle-mate’s plants. We apologize because we were thoughtless and ate dinner on the way home without calling and advising our husband or wife who has slaved over a hot stove. We apologize because we had too much to drink and acted like a certified moron at the holiday party.
We do not apologize because it will make someone else feel better, unless we feel actually responsible for her bad feelings to begin with. We do not apologize because of a set of circumstances we cannot control and did not cause—a rained out picnic, the late arrival of an Amazon delivery, or for the power outage causing the DVR not to tape his favorite serial drama. And we don’t apologize just to keep or restore the peace. Unless, during the course of discussion, our loved one helps us recognize the error of our ways and we are now convicted. We now know that we have acted wrongly, or failed to act rightly. Those are occasions where our apologies are even more noble than usual—because we own our mistakes and because we are being a good friend, spouse, or partner by listening, considering, and taking responsibility.
Definition four is “something that serves as an excuse for the absence of something. A poor specimen or substitute. Makeshift.” So clearly that isn’t what I believe an apology is.
Look, I believe an apology is taking ownership of the actual responsibility for potentially or actually causing physical, psychic, emotional, financial, material, or other harm to another person, whether such actual or potential harm was intentional, accidental, or somewhere in between. The apologist should be convinced that the act or omission that causes, or tends to cause, such harm was solely or jointly his fault and fully or partly within his control. That’s just off the top of my head, but clearly the key concepts are responsibility, remorse, harm, intention, and control. Anything short of that is likely insincere.
Further, I believe that a true apology should not depend upon the recipient’s willingness to receive it. For example, imagine this dialog: “I’m so sorry for stepping on your foot. Can you please forgive me?” “No. You’re an idiot and I will never forgive you. Never. Never!” “Okay, then I take back my apology.” Screech! What? You can’t do that. Not if you actually meant it when you said it. An apology is not really begging for, or even asking for, forgiveness. It is actually expressing one’s remorse for a certain undesirable outcome (or potential outcome). It is a statement of fact. “I am sorry.” Not “I see that you are sad and, therefore, if you will agree to forgive me, I will agree to be sorry for making you sad.” No. You’re either sorry or you are not. You’re either sorry or you are not. You’re either sorry or you are not. The acceptance or rejection of your apology cannot affect the sincerity with which it is given—or else it was never really sincere. This is a simple concept that almost nobody gets. It goes like this: “I am sorry because I have remorse for what I have done (or failed to do) and the harm that that has caused (or could have caused). I am sorry for letting you down, disappointing you, hurting your feelings, or nearly doing any of these things. While I would love it if you forgave me for not acting at my best, I will remain sorry and remorseful whether you do or do not. Because that is what an apology is.
An apology is also not a thing that you push to the center of the table because you believe it will help you gain a concession you really want. That is sorry, but not in the good way. And it is insincere—in all ways.—WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
While we’re on the subject of apologies, guys, I thought I’d also talk about regrets and remorse, two related concepts that I think people tend to also misunderstand. Lucille Ball once said, “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.” I’m of that school. George Halas, the early 20th Century football icon—who founded the Chicago Bears—once said “Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it.” That speaks to me too. Harriet Beecher Stowe, abolitionist, author, and educator, has said “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. So from these luminaries I take it that I should take chances, give my best, and leave no deeds undone and no words unspoken. I try my darnedest to live by these credos.
In short, I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself because of the things I have tried and failed. I don’t lament the efforts that I’ve made that have failed to produce fruit. And, guys, there have been plenty of those. Some days, it feels as if I have failed more than I have succeeded, you know? But, even when surrounded by failed efforts and interrupted dreams, I do not have to sit and weep about the things I never got a chance to try, or never had the nerve to do. I have climbed a mountain. I have jumped from airplanes. I have hiked the road less traveled by, and swum in the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, Indian Ocean, the Mississippi River, the Gulf of Mexico, most of the Great Lakes, and Caribbean Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, and so many other bodies of water. I have gone to war and lived to tell about it. I have sung in front of hundreds and spoken in front of hundreds of thousands. I have read great books, watched great plays and movies, and traveled around the world and back again. I have stood beside a man on trial for his life, restored rights to a young mother falsely accused of harming her sickly, premature baby, and have brought peace to families in crisis. I have given my all to my children and been a great son and a good husband, even to the mother of my children. She might beg to differ, but I have no regrets about how I gave myself to her and was there for her.
Please note that I am not saying that I have done everything perfectly. I am, in fact, saying that I have not. And for those times when I have not measured up, or have failed those who have relied upon me, I do most humbly apologize. But I have been totally in the fight for my whole life. I have always tried to leave it all on the field, so to speak, so I don’t feel badly for not demanding more from myself.
As a dear friend says, I love hard. I am not the sort who is afraid to express my love and appreciation for another person. Although I am a shy person by nature, I learned long ago that our windows don’t stay open forever. So I’ve learned to pay compliments, express love, or ask for a date without fear that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. I teach my kids, by the way, that the best response to a compliment or an expression of love or appreciation is “thank you.” You shouldn’t say it back unless you really, spontaneously feel it. In my anecdotal experience, “I love you” is usually sincere enough. “I love you too” seldom is. I always want my kids to know that when I say “I love you” to them, it is because I have a need to say it. It is overflowing and I need to get it out. I am never saying it because I need to hear it back.
I work very hard to never cultivate regrets. I err on the side of doing more, rather than lamenting the things I have never done and said. Remorse, however, is a different thing. I have remorse for every time I’ve failed to listen when someone has asked for my help. I have remorse for each time I have laughed at someone who really just needed someone to understand and empathize. And I have remorse for every time I have objectified or stereotyped someone and made her feel less than.
I don’t like having remorse, so, over the years, as I have cultivated wisdom, I’ve learned to avoid later remorse by not being a jerk. As it turns out, it isn’t that hard after all…
SAY WHAT?
I can honestly say that I was looking for a really upbeat song or other media to introduce for this week’s segment, but events of late have led me, over and over again, back to this song from way back in my youngster days. I think I was 20 when I first heard it. I will admit that it’s weird, but that’s no reason not to love it. You guys love me and I don’t think they come much weirder than me. This song, Don’t Let It Get You Down, was introduced in 1988 by the Fine Young Cannibals. It has the following lyrics: When no friends can’t be found
And my girl is out of town
I come home to empty house
The telephone is all I have
When my plans don’t work out
Mama says, don’t let it get you
down. Don’t let it get you down. These words and the feeling behind them are familiar to all of us. Today, especially, I want you, my friends and fans all over the world, not to let this unexpectedly horrible turn of events get you down. There’s an old song we used to sing in the church where I grew up that has the words Trouble Don’t Last Always. It says “Weeping may endure for a night. Keep the faith, it’ll be alright.” And somehow, guys, so will we.
OUTRO
OUTRO
Oh my goodness, guys! Can’t really be the end of another half hour episode of Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast? My clock says it is; my heart says it is not. But the clock wins, as usual. I love the time we spend together each week, so please make sure you’re back here with me next Wednesday. If you’re not, you can be sure we’re going to be talking about you. If you want to reach me before that next episode, you can either direct tweet me or direct message me at @doctorackrite. You can also find me on our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/doctorackrite. Write me right on the page, or send me a private message and I promise you I will get it.
I want to shout out to my amazing fans in Englewood, Colorado, Ashburn, Virginia, West Orange, New Jersey and Seattle and Redmond, Washington. You guys ROCK! I also love my listeners in more than 40 countries, including China, Turkey, Kenya, The Netherlands, Germany, Japan, Italy, India, and Australia. You know I love you and I will look for you this time next week.
Until that time, guys, let’s take wonderful care of our beautiful and wonderful families. Have an amazing week! Enjoy!
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