(script from Doctor Ackrite's Get It Together Podcast Episode 29, aired November 23, 2016)
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ANNCR: Today’s Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast is brought to you by Jams by Kim. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling for less than the best. We’re also sponsored by Checkup At Home Wellness Tests for Cats and for Dogs. Find out what could be bothering your pet in as little as 60 seconds. And we are brought to you today by Trophy Skin Personal Microdermabrasion. Go to www.trophyskin.com and take the free skin assessment and Find your best skin. And we are also brought to you by Kamigami Robots. Build your robot, design your app. Tell them how to move. Kamigami Robots, a new toy by American toymaker Dash Robotics.
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HOST: On this episode of Doctor Ackrite’s Get It Together Podcast, we’re going to talk about words. Why some are powerful, some are weak, and some just get overlooked, ignored, or heard in ways they were never intended to be. Why are we so confused and how we can stop the madness. We’re going to jump right in (beat) as soon as the light turns green.
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HOST: Hey guys. Hey there. How are you? I mean it guys, how are you today? I just realized that we talk literally every single week. Every Wednesday, and I never ask about you. I never ask about your day. I never ask about your job. I never ask about your relationship. So, how are you? You’re quiet today, guys. Is everything alright? Did you finally talk with your boss about that thing? Did you and your mom finally have it out about whose house for the holidays? Did that sales clerk take back the item you were worried about? See, guys. I do listen. I am listening. I do care about you. And I know you care about me, right? That’s what makes us such a great team, guys, isn’t it?
HOST: This might be the most stable relationship I’ve ever had, guys. Geez, these affirmations are getting a little out of hand, aren't they? Well, crazy is actually on my resume—in a couple of places—so let’s not act suddenly surprised by that. Been a little crazy for a little while now. But you’re a little crazy too, right? I mean “good crazy.” You know? Don’t you love it when people redefine a negative word by adding “good” in front of it? Doesn’t that just take all the sting out of the otherwise insults they're hurling at you? For example, I’ve had people say “Oh, Doctor Ackrite, you’re stupid. But I mean good stupid.” I’m not so sure about good stupid. I think my preference would be not to be stupid at all. I’m certain that there must be some virtue in being “good stupid,” but I’m guessing that there’s less virtue in that than there is in being smart. Am I right? Okay, the live studio audience that isn’t in the studio is nodding. So that means I’m right, right? But am I good right? Now the fake audience is shaking it’s collective head. Okay. (beat) Maybe I am good stupid.
HOST: Is that the same as “good and stupid?” Nope. That means something totally different. And even though the word “good” is in there, it means basically profoundly stupid. That’s a deeper, wider, more generous form of stupidity that is reserved for a select few. Thankfully, no one has ever called me “good and stupid”—to my face. I cannot say for sure that nobody’s ever thought it before. In fact, I’m quite sure someone has—for sure. So today guys, I thought we should talk about words. Let’s really talk about them. I can hear you groaning. That’s not nice. Don’t be like that. Okay, the reason I want to talk about words is because I’m convinced that they’re losing their meaning over time. You know what I mean when I say that? I mean that it seemed that once upon a time, when you would say something to someone, using very specific language, the other person would either take you at your literal word or check to see if you were joking, you know? But now, I think that people I speak to all seem to hear only about every fifth or sixth word. And that can be frustrating. I’m not entirely sure why that is, but it is truly painful sometimes.
HOST: Because, guys, I don’t know if you’ve noticed—after listening to me for a literal 14 and a half hours straight—but I tend to be very precise in my speech. I tend to articulate each word pretty carefully, and I tend to concentrate on prose at least as much as I do message. Here’s a little bit why: I grew up the only son of a single mom who worked as a court reporter for the superior courts in our home county in Indiana. So she listened to people speak all day long and had to take their spoken words and turn them into written transcripts. Let’s just say that enough of those words were spoken just poorly enough, especially in criminal cases, that my mom decided from my earliest days that I would be articulate at all times. She would actually come up behind me while I would try talking in a more relaxed manner with my friends and she would correct me in front of them. After a while, I stopped compromising my language, even when she wasn’t around. I also was identified in grade school as a kid who could benefit from intensive speech therapy, so my mom put me in it. Hey, the therapists were usually quite young and very cute and I was a growing boy, so I didn’t fight the system. Darned if I didn’t get better with my problem.
HOST: So there’s that. Then I went to a private high school where we had truly exceptional English teachers. Truly exceptional. I hated it in the moment, even as I was taking honors classes in English. It seemed so very uncool to me at the time. I just wanted to be cool and that wasn’t cool, you know? But I secretly loved the novels and short stories we read and the essays and stories we wrote. I used to pretend not to have read the homework—not hard to believe because I rarely did all of my homework for other classes—and then I would proceed to answer the “embarrass the unprepared kid” questions flawlessly. Yeah, I was a weird kid. I can’t really explain it. But all of that focus on English, plus speech, debate, and other such courses and clubs, and the time I spent speaking, teaching, and singing at church gave me lots of practice on my diction and my ability to speak to others. Then there was college and the Marines—I was a journalist with a rifle—and grad school and law school, both places where one is taught to be specific, prepared, and articulate. So now it’s a disease that I have to manage, but will never completely cure.
HOST: And my children are also very articulate people because I cannot stop myself from correcting bad grammar. Oh yeah, and because I love them. Let’s take a break.
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HOST: So, guys, now that you know I’m a fussy little so-and-so, word nerd extraordinaire, far too sexy to use your dictionary—mine is much bigger than yours, thank you very much—you must be wondering what has sent me on a tear today. I am a firm believer that we need to agree on the language we speak and then speak it well, and then let’s all agree to the plain English meanings of words, shall we? Who's with me? Okay… Just a weirdly cute blondish lady and a goldfish. This is embarrassing. Oh yeah, and Cuba Gooding Junior. This is embarrassing. Show me the money? No? No one? Okay. If you don’t get that reference, you aren’t old enough to listen to my podcast. So go play and let the grownups talk a bit. Okay? Let’s take, for example, literally. How many times have I heard, in just this last week alone, the word literally being used in a way that is exactly the opposite of its intended use? Gonna say 30-40, maybe more. But folks, literally means: “completely true and accurate, not exaggerated.” What could be simpler than that? Literally nothing. (beat) See what I did there? Seriously, I can’t think of too many concepts that take less time to master than this one. Either we are exaggerating, or we are not exaggerating.
HOST: There is literally no ground between those two polar opposites. Yup, I did it again. And yet as simple as this concept is, people use and abuse this simple word every day and have no remorse. That makes me sad. And the fact that that makes me sad makes me seem sad to others. And that makes me sad too. But not literally. Now, guys, I would be the first to admit that misusing words like literally is a pet peeve, and I know that I am a salmon swimming against the rolling river whenever I rail against their misuse. Not going to stop me, but I do get it. I am Sisyphus, pushing my grammatical boulder up a hill, never getting it all the way up there, but pushing it nonetheless. I know that nobody cares about literally being used metaphorically as much as nerdy me and my perhaps even more nerdy best friend. But what about other words that are misused routinely in our so-called modern society? For example, how often do we use the term “friend” to describe people that we know somewhat, but either don’t know well, or don’t particularly like? I’m not even sure that we mean to be insincere when we do it, but rather we lack the vocabulary to fully express what we actually mean.
HOST: I once wrote to Facebook—a company that updates and upgrades its platform sometimes twice a week—and suggested that it create additional categories of connections. Why is it that everyone is a “friend?” Is that even possible? I have hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, according to the platform, but how many of them would come and bail me out of jail, let me borrow a few hundred until payday, or watch my kids while I go out on a date? I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing far fewer than hundreds and hundreds. You know? And while many of them may have been special to me at various points in my life, and quite a few are special to me now, I would be being dishonest if I didn’t confess that there are lots and lots that are people I either haven’t seen in real life in years, or that I’ve never actually met in real life—we just share similar views online and decided to become “friends.” See the issue? My actual friends and I have history, however shallow, during which we have established rapport, shared laughter and tears, encouraged each other. They tend to know my heart, even when I can’t put my feelings into words. I know. I know. When exactly is that, Doc? When do you ever have trouble putting anything into words?
HOST: Believe it or not, it even happens to me. And, during those times, I’m grateful that my friends know what I’m thinking, or what I’m feeling, or what I’m trying to say. And they don’t judge me for those thoughts—no matter how sad, stupid, selfish, depressing, pessimistic, inappropriate, unenlightened, misinformed, or just downright daffy those thoughts may be. And they don’t judge me for my feelings—thank goodness. Now the people who are also on my list of Facebook friends I think are fond of me to a point. But I don’t expect the fullness of understanding and depth of feeling that come with true friendship. They probably don’t know how to take my jokes—and there are many, many jokes, guys. I’m thinking that you guys keep coming back because of the jokes. So you already know that, don't you? Some of my jokes require the context of my twisted sense of humor. That mainly comes from knowing me in realtime. So that word “friend” is important. Much more important than for it to be a generic label we apply to every single person we meet along the way—the way Facebook would have us to use it. I am actually, as we speak, teaching my younger children the true meaning of friendship.
HOST: As it turns out, most kids that are their age—11—tend to think that the more friends you claim the more popular you are and the more popular you are, the more influence you have in the world. They also equate large numbers of friends with being truly happy. But guys, my kids are weird. All of them. And how do I know they’re weird? Because I’m a quarter weird on my mother’s side. I think there was weirdness on my father’s side too, but that part I can’t confirm. He died without telling me. Weird, huh? (beat) So because my kids are weird—just like I am—they aren’t the sorts of kids who will do well trying to appeal to a cross-section of the world. They are super smart and creative to a fault. They don't suffer fools easily and they love old music and watching the news with me. Not really a recipe for having an entire herd of friends. But they each have their absolute besties. The friends that they have are, as we say, ride or die. By the way, their friends are weird too. Go figure. Let’s take a break.
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ANNCR: I don’t know which is worse: suffering through another holiday meal that largely came out of cans and the frozen food section of the local Food and Fly Grocery Mart, or feeling compelled to drop everything before I’ve had my fifth helping so I can try to get to the door busters before my ex-best-friend does. So this year, I’m saying no thank you to both, kind of. I’m doing my holiday shopping for everyone on www.jamsbykim.com. I’ll get Pomegranate Orange for Tammy, because she’s so sweet. And Lime Ginger for slightly weird cousin Stuey. And Strawberry Habanero for Mom—the salsa classes are really paying off, by the way. Jams by Kim ships all over the country and to any APO box abroad. Easy peasy. I may still have to eat Margaret’s mashed potato flake surprise, but at least I don’t have to leave the house early wearing my fat pants to get my shopping done. Jams by Kim: One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.
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HOST: Now, I know full well, guys, that some of you are clutching your pearls right now. You guys are probably going a little crazy. Am I right? "Did he really just call a bunch of kids, including his own, weird?!” Oh yes he did. Yes I did. In my household, we actually literally celebrate weirdness. I never wanted my children to be prototypical linear thinkers. The linear thinker sees A problem or situation in a straight line way. She imagines that the only solutions to any particular problem are the ones that would be obvious to anyone. In my humble estimation, the straight-line solution is the correct one 80% of the time. That leaves 20% of the time on the table. Which means that the linear thinker is going to be wrong 20% of the time. That means that the world is largely comprised of B students. Good, but not great. At the risk of sounding judgmental, I think the world suffers from a severe lack of creativity. I am a creative person before I am anything else. It was perhaps the greatest gift my mother ever gave me. It is the gift I am giving my children that means the most to me. When I grew up, my mom—a person who never worked fewer than 65 to 80 hours per week in her life—somehow found time to pursue hobbies.
HOST: Her hobbies included knitting, crocheting, counted cross stitch, embroidery, sewing, fashion design, cooking, and cake decorating. I'm sure I have left something off of this list, but Mom was one of the most inventive persons I have ever known. She endowed me with the charge to be the unusual person you guys hear every week. Because of my mom's mentorship and guidance, I fell in love with art, literature, poetry, Music, Film, And every other creative pursuit to which I was exposed. Some of these things I actively practice; some of them I am an avid fan. Either way, exposure to nonlinear thought on a regular basis makes an impressionable person begin to think nonlinearly. It happened to me decades ago. And, as a carrier of the nonlinear disease, I could not help but to infect all three of my children. Now, because my children, all three of them, are nonlinear thinkers, I knew from personal experience that the conventional thinkers in the world would find them peculiar. I have endured those criticisms about me my entire life long. Maybe "criticisms" isn't the right word to use here. Because I have certainly received my share of accolades when I have solved problems or resolved situations in an unconventional way.
HOST: But, more often than not, there is some resistance to my not doing it "the normal way”. I married a very linear thinker—to my detriment. I truly believe that my worldview as a nonlinear thinker was a huge contributing factor in my becoming divorced. In my anecdotal experience, because conventional thinkers typically lack imagination and creativity, they tend to be sticklers for so-called standard operating procedure. I don't. I do believe that rules were made to be followed. But only to the extent that they make sense under the circumstances. Blindly following the rules without further thought will generally leave us all worse off. By the way, many may think it’s funny that I chose the practice of law as my professional pursuit. Fair enough. The practice of law involves the study, understanding and application of rules, laws, policies, procedures, directives, orders, and dictates. That wouldn’t seem to be the most appropriate choice for a guy who has just told you that he is not such a guy. But, guys, also understand that in addition to accepting and embracing these rules and laws, a tough, smart trial lawyer often has to challenge them and creatively interpret them for the good of his clients. That was what I did.
HOST: And my manner would confound even the greatest of linear sticklers. Because they never really knew what to expect from me unless they, too, were creative thinkers--and few of them were. So I won a lot of cases and made lots of money, but wound up disliking my job—because, as it turns out, most judges are linear thinkers too. But anyway, I do call my beloved children and their beloved friends weird. Because weird, to us, means not ordinary. Now, please note: I do not call them or their behavior strange. Pippi Longstocking, Punky Brewster, and the PeeWee Herman character were weird. Hannibal Lecter, Jared the Sandwich Guy, and the guy who played PeeWee Herman were strange. There’s no danger connected with weird. There’s no virtue connected with strange. But you have to be careful in celebrating weirdness with your kids. A few years back, when my younger kids were in the third grade, I got called in by the principal of their school for a meeting. All I knew, in advance of the meeting, was that my daughter had called another kid a name. Our school was getting very hot on this anti-bullying stuff, so every incident counted.
HOST: When I arrived at the meeting and learned that the name was actually an adjective (take that teachers!) and that the adjective was, of course, weird, I was relieved. After listening to the principal and the teacher explain to me what had apparently happened and express “shock” that a “good” kid like my daughter would say something so mean, I explained to them that to my kid, weird was high praise. That she had meant it as a compliment. They didn’t believe me, so they called my kid in and asked her themselves. When my version was confirmed, the principal tried telling her that she couldn't call another kid that because weird was a bad word, I told my kid, in front of the principal, that weird was, by no means, a bad word, but that school wasn’t going to allow it. So don’t use it at school to describe other kids. She said okay. I winked at her on her way out of the office because I wanted her to know that she hadn't actually done anything wrong.
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ANNCR: You won’t go wrong sending Jams by Kim this holiday season, or taking them with you to Thanksgiving dinner! Jams by Kim has a lock on the most unique and amazing flavors and combinations you’ve ever heard. Pomegranate Orange, Lime Ginger, Tangerine Marmalade! Strawberry Habanero! Oh my GOSH! The list goes on! Kim even has jams without sugar and vegan jams available if that's your thing! My thing is Strawberry Habanero. www.jamsbykim.com. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.
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HOST: Oh my goodness, what a great show today. I can’t believe we’ve talked our way through another half hour. But, whether I believe it or I don’t, it’s time to go. We want to thank our generous sponsors. Visit their websites and learn more about their products. I’ll put the links in the episode description as usual. These sponsors keep us talking, guys so let’s show them some love!: Thank you, Jams by Kim. Find your good taste at www.jamsbykim.com. One good taste and you’ll know you’ve been settling.
HOST: We also want to thank Trophy Skin. Discover your best skin by taking a free assessment at www.trophyskin.com. And many thanks to Checkup At Home Wellness Kits for Cats and for Dogs. Your pet can’t talk, so you need to be sure. Go to www.checkupkit.com for more information and to buy your kit today! Finally, thanks to Kamigami Robots. The very best toy gift for the future STEM superstar who happens to be your kid. Guys, I’ll be here next Wednesday, just like I always am. I know you’re busy this time of year, but you’d better make the time to be here too. You know if you're not, we’ll just be talking about you. I love you guys and I’m thankful for you everyday, especially at this time of the year. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families and your friends. And have an excellent week. Enjoy.
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